| What I want, more than anything, is the ultimate peace of mind. Nothingness.
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| Hello Xanga whom I have abandoned.
I'm no longer struggling with eating problems, but the distorted self image part is still a work in progress. Life hasn't changed much though certain people have come and gone, the way they do. Well, there might be a major change, very, very soon, if I make a certain decision, but I have doubts of my own strength for such a matter. As for me, my thoughts are changing a little, very slowly, so slow that I barely notice until I look back on some of the things I've written of certain thoughts at a particular time period. The one thing that hasn't changed, would be that I'm still as scared as ever and just as confused, falling in and out of depression seeking some sort of meaning for existence. I've recently came to the realization of my incapability for attachment to others, or feeling intense emotion, it's something that seems all the more hopeless the more time that pass, but I suppose it's not all that different for some.
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| The daily binging and purging has got to stop. |
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| "I can't lift you up 'cause my mind is tired."
I ate a meal, today, for the first time in 4 days. Then I purged. And I feel horrible. Tomorrow I will do better. It's raining right now, and it's beautiful. I feel faint, but I really would like to sit in the rain...yet, I don't want to seem strange...
But it's so beautiful. |
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| It hurts.
I don't know why.
I can't even cry.
Sometimes,
I wish I could. Polly,
Why the fuck do you do this to yourself? I need to get a hold of myself. I'm fucking losing it....and that's something I can't afford. |
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